How to Get Your Spouse on Board with Debt Freedom (Without Fighting About Money!)

It's been four years since we started our debt free journey. Believe it or not, I was the one who was reluctant to use a budget. Me! The financial coach! I was skeptical that we could or even needed to pay off our debt. Debt is normal. Everyone has debt.

My husband, Zach, was always stressed about money. He made a good income, and yet, we were living paycheck to paycheck. He couldn't understand where all the money was going, and it was a constant source of tension in our marriage. Whenever he brought up his concerns, I just shrugged it off. "We'll be fine!" was always my response.

As the stress grew, so did our fights about money. We avoided the subject most of the time. If we were forced to discuss something, it always ended in a huge argument. Again, I thought every couple argued about money. Fighting about money is normal.

Zach began talking more about budgeting and paying off debt. He told me about Dave Ramsey and his Baby Steps plan. Still, I was skeptical.

This is such a common issue in marriages. Money fights and money problems are actually the leading causes of divorce. It doesn't have to be this way. It takes hard work, but you can get on the same page. Not only is it possible, but you can actually get on the same page without the constant arguing.

In this article, I'll go over some ways you can begin to communicate and get aligned with your finances. All of these tips will help you avoid the arguments while still keeping the conversation going.

Understanding Why Your Spouse is Reluctant

Like me, not everyone sees debt as a problem. I really didn't see the problem with our debt. Everyone has debt, right? Debt is normal. I saw our debt as "manageable". We could pay all the payments, even though it was a stretch....so what was the big deal? Your spouse may feel this way about your debt too.

Your spouse might feel overwhelmed or ashamed of past financial decisions. If you're not the one who manages the finances, they may even be afraid to tell you the truth about the amount of debt or how tight things really are.

Or maybe your spouse worries that budgeting and debt freedom means sacrificing fun or lifestyle comforts. They may think you want to restrict their spending and cut out the things that they enjoy.

Regardless of the reason, it is crucial that you don't push your plan on them. Start with listening and understanding. Ask questions to help you understand their perspective. Don't judge, just listen.

Then, communicate your perspective without accusations. Using "I" statements is a great way to do this. Instead of saying, "You don't seem to care about the crazy credit card balances! You need to stop spending so much on your coffee." Say something like this, "I feel so stressed about our debt. I want us to get on the same page and stop fighting so much." Using "I" statements like this helps to keep your spouse from getting defensive.

Shift the Conversation from Numbers to Dreams

Budgets and spreadsheets don't inspire or motivate everyone--but dreams do. Instead of talking about how much debt you have or how much you need to pay towards debt each

month, talk about the future. Ask yourselves, "What would we do if money wasn't holding us back?" and "What do we want our lives to look like in five years or ten years?" Talk about things that matter to BOTH of you.

Here are a few things to consider:

• Where do you want to live? Do you want to buy a home? Move to a different state?

• Where are some places you'd like to travel? How often would you like to travel?

• Would you like to change careers? Advance in your current career? Get a degree?

• Is charity important to you? How would you like to help others with your money or your time? What organizations do you want to help?

  
  

Use these dreams to reframe debt freedom as a path to reach these dreams and goals. Living debt free is not about restrictions, rather a way to present more options for your lives. Think about the choices you'd have if you didn't have all those debt payments. Becoming intentional with your money opens up so many options for you and your family.

Start Small & Lead By Example

If you're spouse isn't ready for a complete financial overhaul, that's ok! It's important not to force it. Start with small, easy wins, like cutting and reducing a few expenses or paying a little extra on the credit card. Talk about these small wins with excitement and energy.

Lead by example by setting up a budget with the EveryDollar app. Ask your spouse if you can share it with them, so they can see what you're doing. Say something like, "I made a super easy budget on this app. I'd love to share it with you so you can see too." With EveryDollar, you can both log into the same account on your different devices and see all the updates. Sometimes taking that first step helps get them on board.

Small steps like this build trust and momentum over time. Even if they aren't on board in the beginning, this can help them get there. This is what happened with my husband and I. Eventually, he set up our first budget and invited me to use it too. Turns out, I love using a budget!

Make Money Talks Casual and Stress-free

Money doesn't have to be a trivial topic. I encourage my clients to talk about their budget and money decisions regularly in casual conversation. Zach and I discuss money at the dinner table with our kids to help them learn that money is not stressful and is be part of normal conversation in our family.

To help make your first money talk or budget meeting less stressful, consider having a money date. No one like the "we need to talk" that sounds like a lecture is coming. Instead, plan a fun date to talk about money. Grab coffee at a local coffee shop, a casual dinner, or just take a walk together. It can be beneficial to talk about these things in a neutral place to help emotions stay calm.

During your money date, focus on collaboration, not control. Use phrases like "What do you think about...?" instead of "This is what we need to do." Establish a judgement-free zone and continue to use those "I" statements. Make your money date casual and positive, not stressful and guilt-driven.

Be Patient and Keep Communicating

Change doesn't happen overnight. Be patient and don't push. Your spouse may need time to process everything you've brought up. They may need time to wrap their head around living without debt. In the meantime, continue keeping honest and positive communication about money. Continue talking about the changes you are making and celebrating progress together. Every small step counts!

If needed, seek outside inspiration. Listen to debt free stories for inspiration, watch financial videos for motivation, or work with a financial coach for direction and accountability. I offer a free Discovery Session to see if we're a good fit. You can book at the button below!

Stay focused on the big picture and don't give up! Your spouse will respond to your consistency and encouragement.

Getting on the same page with your finances is critical for your success. It's about collaboration and teamwork, not control. When you learn to work together with your money, you become aligned and united in your life and your relationship. Start the conversation today, even if it's just one small step!

Have you had this conversation with your spouse? What worked for you? Drop a comment below—I’d love to hear your story!