5 Signs You're Avoiding Money Conversations

Most couples don't realize they're avoiding money conversations until it's too late. It becomes habit, and some of these behaviors go unnoticed. They will still take a toll on your relationship if you don't do something about it.

Avoiding these important conversations will eventually create distance between you, it will throw your finances into chaos, and resentment will build. Resentment is the last thing you want in your relationship.

Look for these 5 signs to see if this problem could be affecting your relationship, and keep reading to know how you can fix it before it poisons your marriage.

Sign #1: You only talk about money when there's a crisis

If you never talk about money with your spouse, except when there's a crisis, that's a problem. You put it off until you get a notice that a bill is overdue. You avoid it until suddenly your credit card is embarrassingly declined at the store. You ignore it until the car breaks down, and you're faced with a thousand dollar unexpected expense.

This happens because we are often consumed by unhealthy emotions around money. We feel shame that we let it get this bad, fear that we could lose everything, and complete overwhelm not know where to even begin.

The cost? You are constantly reacting to what happens around you, always trying to catch up and avoid the blows. You are never proactive, never planning ahead. There's never money left over to pay for these unexpected expenses, so it just has to go on the credit card. You feel like you can never get caught up.

What to do about it: Schedule regular money dates with your partner. This doesn't have to be anything fance, although I do recommend making it special and fun at least once a month. A weekly money checkin will be so valuable for your relationship and your finances. If you're doing this weekly, it shouldn't take you more than 15 minutes. Schedule time every Sunday to sit down together and plan your week. What income do you have available this week? What bills will be coming this week? What other expenses might come up, like groceries or gas? What plans do you have that will cost money? This regular checkin is pivotal in keeping the line of communication open and relaxed around money.

Sign #2: One of you handles everything, the other stays out of it

"You handle it. I'm not good with numbers." or "You're better at this, so I'll just stay out of it." Sound familiar?

This often happens because of different money backgrounds. Maybe in your home growing up, your mom was a stay at home mom and dad was in control of the finances since he made the money. Maybe you truly don't understand it, so you are afraid you will mess things up. Maybe you just don't like it, or maybe there are issues with control in your relationship.

No matter the reason, it is essential that you are both involved and working together with your money. It's ok if one of you wants to be the primary money manager, but you should still always know the ins and outs of your finances. You should be involved in planning and savings and the big decisions. You have equal say.

Managing money this way causes an extreme relationship imbalance over time. It can feel like one of you is in charge of not just your finances but your whole life. That resentment will begin to build again, and it will eventually take its toll.

What to do instead: Do your best to divide your roles with your finances. I encourage each of you to track your own expenses in your shared budget. This is also where those weekly checkins come in again. Always, always communicate about your money, even if one of you is the primary money manager.

Sign #3: You make purchases without discussing them first

I've been there. You do everything you can to hide purchases to avoid the guilt and the fight. You use cash whenever possible so they don't see the transaction on the bank account. You may even have a separate bank account you use for certain things so they won't notice.

So, why do you do this? It could be that you lack agreed boundaries in your relationship. You fear the judgement from your spouse or you desire autonomy and independence.

This behavior is devastating for your relationship. Hiding purchases, however small, erodes trust between you. It may start small, but it can grow to larger purchases and larger secrets. It could grow to financial infidelity or worse if you aren't careful.

What to do about it: It's a good idea to have an agreed upon amount of money that you can spend without discussing it. This could be $50 or much more depending on your income, budget, and comfort level. This way, any purchase under that amount is guilt free. To have some autonomy even though you share your money, it works great to have a budget line item for each of you. This is fun money for guilt free spending each month.

Sign #4: Money conversations always turn into fights

Every time money comes up, it turns into a fight almost immediately. You get angry and defensive easily. Past mistakes are brought up and blame is thrown around. You can't seem to agree on anything, and you're never on the same page and agree on anything.

We can have so many unhealed wounds surrounding money. These stories affect how you perceive the intent behind comments, making you take things personally. We forget our values, and many times they don't align with our partner.

What to do instead: To avoid these fights, you must learn to communicate without letting emotions take hold. The key to this is having intentional conversations about money regularly. Do your weekly checkins and track your budget daily. Sit down together and discuss your values. Agreeing on values helps get you aligned with your life. When money conversations happen, you can always default to your values.

Sign #5: You feel anxious anytime money comes up in conversation

In marriage, money must be discussed at times. It's unavoidable. But every time it comes up, your breath quickens, you begin sweating a little, and you have a pit in your stomach.

Anxiety around money is your body letting you know that something is wrong. It could be that you are in massive amounts of debt. It could be that you pay attention to your money, and the unknown is so stressful. Your fear, shame, and stress takes over.

What to do about it: To get rid of this anxiety, you have to take the pressure off money conversations. Practice talking about money on a daily basis. Anything helps. Talk about the purchases you made and what income you're expected. Talk about grocery shopping and the fuel you bought today. No judgement, just talk.

The best thing for easing your anxiety is repairing your finances. Build a budget, get out of debt, and build an emergency fund. Knowing exactly where your money is going, not owing anyone money, and having a nice cushion in savings will give you peace you never knew possible.

Avoiding money talks costs so much more than confrontation. It will be uncomfortable at first, but having money conversations is an essential part of your relationship.

Start small. Schedule your first weekly checkin. Begin with discussing your values and dreaming together.

If you need some help, download the free Essential Money Checklist to get started. If you need someone to walk alongside and guid you, financial coaching may be a good option. Book a free Discovery Session to see if it's a good fit for you.