What I Wish I Knew About Money Before Getting Married

Marriage is hard. It takes constant work and intentionality to keep your relationship strong through all the ups and downs in life. Add in the emotions and stress that comes with finances, and you could have a disaster!

Early in our marriage, Zach and I avoided the money conversation whenever possible. If we were forced to discuss something, it usually ended in an arguement. We had different views of how to manage our money. He is a natural saver, and I am a natural spender. We are very different people in general and struggled to communicate about money in a constructive way.

After some very difficult financial times, we knew something had to change. Thankfully, instead of continuing to pull apart, we began to come together. We agreed that we needed to follow a budget, something neither of us had ever done. We became very intentional about how we communicated about money and always made financial decisions together.

If we had learned these things and discussed money before getting married, things would have looked very different. It would have set the stage for our marriage ahead of time instead of wading through the muck years into our marriage. If we had a money conversation before getting married, we could have started with a strong foundation instead of having to build a new foundation after things started to fall apart.

In this article, I'll go over some things that are essential for your financial success, These things are important to discuss before getting married. Learning these lessons and getting aligned will set you up for success with your money and your marriage. You can have this conversation as your relationship begins to get serious or after you are engaged. Either way, I encourage you to have this money conversation before tying the knot. Start your marriage on the same page and with a strong foundation.

Money Mindsets Matter

Your money mindset is a constant influence on your financial decisions. This mindset has been formed over years of experiences with money throughout your upbringing and through adulthood. The way your parents managed money will influence you as well. Whether money was a cause of tension, the subject of arguments, or just wasn't discussed in your home, you were affected.

In your relationship, you each will have different views of money and different money tendencies. It is important for you to know your different money tendencies so you can better understand the opposite perspective in conversations.

There are seven different common money tendencies. Neither tendency is right or wrong, just different. Everyone falls somewhere on the scale, and it is important to learn to be somewhere in the middle so you aren't too extreme one way or the other. When you have your money conversation, talk about where you are on the scale between each tendency. Discuss ways you can each become more moderate. What are some changes you can make together or new habits you can develop? Here are the seven money tendencies:

Saver vs. Spender
Nerd vs. Free Spirit
Experiences vs. Things
Quality vs. Quantity
Safety vs. Status
Abundance vs. Scarcity
Planned Giving vs. Spontaneous Giving

You can find a full explanation of these tendencies to help you in your money conversation at the button below.

Download the Money Tendencies Worksheet

Debt Is a Shared Responsibility

When you get married, you become one, and your finances should too. Your income becomes "our" income, and your debt becomes "our" debt. This means complete transparency with absolutely everything.

Considering this, it is important to include debt in your money conversation before marriage. Full transparency with your debt will eliminate the suprise factor. "Wait, you have how much debt?!" Understand that this knowledge is for planning purposes only. Leave the guilt, shame, and judgement out of it when you have this discussion. This not about dwelling on the past mistakes or guilt for how much debt you carry. This is simply about transparency.

When you both lay everything out on the table, you can then begin to make a plan together. If there is debt to eliminate, make a plan to tackle it. Before you are married, be sure to keep finances separate until you've officially tied the knot. You can make a plan for each of you to pay off your debt separately as well as a plan to pay off debt together after your are married. For example, if you have no debt, but your fiance has $10,000 of debt, you can help your fiance create a debt payoff plan to begin before you are married. In the meantime, you can begin building savings as much as possible. After your wedding day, you can take that savings and pay it all on the debt. Once you are married and it is "our" debt, you can use your savings to pay it off. If you both have debt, you both begin tackling it separately until you've made it official. After that, create a new plan with everything combined.

If you need some help creating your debt elimination plan, financial coaching is a great option for you. I help you build your plan individually and together. Book a complimentary Discovery Session to see if coaching is a good fit for you.

Book my free session!

Budgeting Is About Freedom, Not Restrictions

I was always afraid of the word "budget". I thought it meant restrictions and limitations. When I got married, I thought it meant my husband was going to control what I spent. Now that I've been budgeting for years, I realize that it is simply a plan for your money. It's a tool that puts you in control of where your money is going.

The benefit to budgeting? YOU get to decide where you allocate your money! You decide if you want to spend $5 on a coffee every morning. You decide if you want to cut spending and put more in savings. You decide your clothing budget and your fun money and your entertainment. Yes, you need to keep the spending below your income, but within that, you get to decide where it goes. When you spend, you eliminate the guilt knowing you already gave yourself permission in your budget. It puts you in control.

When you budget together as a couple, it helps you communicate about what you need to spend money on. You decide together how much to budget for your date nights. You decide together that you want to increase your savings. It help you get on the same page and align your goals.

Building your first budget can be challenging. You will make mistakes. You will go overbudget at times, It will take some getting used to and some adjusting to get it right. Give yourselves grace and make a plan to adjust as needed.

Financial Goals Should Be Set Together

Being intentional about financial goal setting is critical throughout your marriage. Don't make the mistake of assuming you're on the same page. You may think you are headed in the same direction only to be caught off guard when you're suddenly on different paths.

Set aside time to make financial goals together. What do you want your life to look like? Where do you want to live? What does your family look like? Dream together and discuss the steps to get there. Talk about what needs to be true in order to have the life you are wanting. Set both short-term and long-term goals. A short-term goal may be paying off all your credit cards in a year. A long-term goal may be buying a home together in five years. Set specific and measurable goals with a timeline. Be sure that each of these goals are relevant for both of you.

Make these goals now, and set intentional time monthly to revisit and evaluate your goals. Your lives will be constantly changing throughout your marriage. It is important to set new or revisit past goals. Keeping these goals at the forefront of your minds and your relationship will help your motivation when things get tough. And don't forget to celebrate the wins together too!

Communication Is More Important Than Numbers

Money fights aren't really about money at all -- they're about emotions. We all have so many emotions tied up with our money. As you have money conversations, it's important to keep this in mind.

The key to keeping the extreme emotions out of your money talks is having them regularly. Being intentional about your money conversations keep them drama-free. Make a point to schedule a monthly budget meeting, have weekly check-ins, and don't be afraid to include money in normal, daily conversation. Keeping this line of communication open helps avoid elevated emotions.

If you are frustrated or upset about something, it will be important to stay calm. When you're ready to have a conversation, use "I" statements and lead with curiosity. This helps your partner understand your perspective and helps you understand their perspective. Always seek to listen and understand. When you both feel heard and understood, you can move on to a solution. If you continue to disagree, work towards a compromise. Try suggesting a specific compromise and communicating how this solution will help you get to your ultimate goal. If things are getting heated, it's ok to say you'd like to take a break and revisit this another time.

Financial coaching is a great option if you are struggling to communicate about money. We can discover why you may be struggling and ways to communicate better. I can act as a non-judgmental, unbiased buffer during the conversation to help you come to a solution together.

If you are not married yet, schedule a time to get together and have this money conversation. Make it fun by making it a casual date! You will feel so empowered by getting on the same page and prepared to build a life together.

If you are already, it's never too late to align your finances! You can start today. Start by setting up a "dream" date where you simply talk about your dreams together. Then move into some other topics as you feel ready.

As always, I'm here to help if you need the guidance and accountability.

What's one money lesson you wish you knew before marriage? Share in the comments!